Media Essays: I Don't Give A Ship

Written by The Wandering Fox

Freddy and Teddy were busy writing out a few Christmas cards. The fox beamed over at Teddy.

Freddy: Gonna sneak in a little love confession?

Teddy: I d-don’t know, maybe. I gotta think of it.

Freddy: I say you should, you gotta give her something other than Merry Christmas.

Teddy: Yeah, but would she be interested?

Freddy: You don’t know until you try.

That you don’t guys. You don’t know until you try. It’s like watching a film or series or playing a game and you have a character who you ship, but then you get another and after you try and think it may not be worth it.

Freddy: Hey?

Teddy: Uh, I guess this has something to do with love?

That it does! Hey guys, it’s me, the Wandering Fox! You see with the title that I’m talking about certain characters I don’t ship.

Freddy: Well, you could’ve just said that.

Yeah but then I wouldn’t catch you guys making Christmas cards and trying to make a bit of a point.

Freddy: That’s fair.

Teddy: Well go on then, Wanderer, what is it?

Well, being a guy who loves lots of stories, be it games, movies, books, comics or TV series, there’s been many characters I’ve shipped over the years. There’s been:

Callum and Rayla

Luz and Amity

Tails and Fiona

Sonic and Sally

Superman and Lois

Skye and Sonia

Beast Boy and Raven

The Love Square of Miraculous (well, the movie version).

But there’s many characters in recent years I’ve come to realise I don’t think are worth shipping for lots of reasons. Well, come join me on this as I go through several of them. I just want to add though that this is just my opinion, I’m not shaming anybody for shipping these characters. If you ship them with anybody that’s alright.

Let’s start with the mightiest little spider.

Hornet (Hollow Knight and Hollow Knight Silksong)

Hornet is among the most popular characters in Hollow Knight. From being a semi-antagonist to the Knight to having her own game made, Hornet is a treasured character in the series. A princess, daughter of Herrah the Beast and the Pale King, Hornet was raised by the most strongest women on Hallownest, Herrah, Queen Vespa and the White Lady, trying her hardest to stop the infection, eventually witnessing her sibling the Knight finally defeating the Radiance. Ever since her second game though Hornet has had a lot of fan shipping with either:

Lace...

...or Shakra

You might be wandering why I don’t ship her with anybody or at least these girls. Well the reason why is this:

Hornet has fallen in love before with many bugs but because of her heritage she’s blessed with a much longer lifespan than the ordinary bugs of Hollow Knight, she’s outlived them all and Hornet herself has said she’s sworn off of falling in love again.

Hornet written this in her Hunter’s Journal.

It’s why with characters like Hornet I feel it’s unfair to pair her with somebody who will die long before her. Now, some will give me a counter argument with Lace. With Lace being made of pure silk Hornet can easily keep her alive with her own silk. While that’s nice to think of, I’m still against it because I can’t help but think that it’d be selfish of Hornet to keep Lace alive simply to have somebody to love. Now, could Hornet keep her alive for less selfish reasons like trying to help her live and let go of her past and maybe it could blossom into romance? Maybe. But then I’m still uncomfortable with it with Lace showing lots of hatred for Hornet as Lace’s mother Grand Mother Silk desired Hornet as a daughter and that left Lace filled with much hatred for Hornet, not helping she’s quite a psycho who’s got lots of mental issues and was alright with her mum’s Haunting of possessing living or dead bugs and continuing the corrupt works of the Citadel. Hornet would also be taking on the role of a carer to help Lace and that would be mentally exhausting and romance wouldn’t be on her mind with Lace.

It’s why if I did ship her with anybody, it’d be with Shakra, but like I said, that wouldn’t help either of them with Hornet being able to live a lot longer than her, therefore it’d be unfair. Therefore Hornet isn’t a character I’d ship with anybody. But if you do, that’s alright by me.

Up next is.

Da da da dun! (Clicks fingers)

Wednesday Addams

Oh yeah. Wednesday. Yeah, I don’t ship her with anybody. I don’t ship her with boys or girls. Not Enid, not Tyler, or Xavier, or even that boy from the second movie. To me, Wednesday just isn’t the kind of character that would work in a relationship, I mean she scared her boyfriend to near death in the second movie out of macabre glee. That and Wednesday’s blunt and often rude nature just isn’t suitable for a relationship, nor does she have any interest in the future for romance. I know lots of people ship her with Enid and that’s fine, but to me with how much Enid gets annoyed with Wednesday’s behaviour and repeated this story for two seasons just doesn’t seem like the kind of relationship that'd work out. It comes off as almost toxic and it wouldn’t be fair on Enid to have that. The series is clearly leaning towards them getting together and hey, if they do, that’s alright but just know I won’t be shipping it as I find it to be toxic.

That and I don’t know, but Wednesday to me just doesn’t work in a romantic relationship. I didn’t buy it in the second movie with that boy, nor did I buy it with Tyler. I think Wednesday works as a character not at all interested in romance but as a character driven by a desire to do right not only by justice but by her own dark sense of humour and self righteousness with her greatest relationship as it is with her family. She’s such an interesting character that just seeing her being compressed to being another character to ship with somebody for love drama is just annoying to tell you.

Like I said, if you ship her with Enid or Tyler or any other character good on you, but I don’t.

Up next is.

The Doctor

Oh man, here we are. This is a character who existed for 62 years and for 26 of that he never had a love interest. That’s not to say the Doctor didn’t romance before as he did have his granddaughter Susan which means he obviously had a wife and child and that child had Susan, he said himself he’s been a father before. The Second Doctor did say that he lost his family a long time ago but every time he closes his eyes he thinks of them.

Now, you could argue that the Eighth Doctor is the guy who started this as he did kiss Grace. However, the Eighth Doctor did walk away from Grace and went on travelling. McGann and Big Finish made an effort to move that Doctor away from romance in the audios with McGann talking to the executives in the early 2000s he wanted his Doctor to be moved away from it. Now, it didn’t stop Big Finish in trying it still with Mary Shelley having feelings for him and they’ve really shoved McGann back into the romance angle as far back as last year so sadly McGann lost on that, but in his audios he works so well as the Doctor with the zero romance that it helped his Doctor.

If only RTD and Moffat learnt from that guy.

Ever since the show returned in 2005, the Doctor has had multiple women as well as men fancying him, some he’s fancied back, another he married, another he fell in love with just after spending a small number of minutes with. It’s ridiculous. I don’t count Maid Marion as that was a kiss on the cheek of thanks. I don’t count Joan as that was John Smith who loved her, not the Doctor. But look at how many he’s bloody had!

Rose Tyler...

Madame De Pompadour...

Martha Jones (she deserved better)...

Astrid Peth...

Lady Christina De Souza...

Amy Pond...

Clara Oswald...

River Song, who's the Doctor's actual WIFE!

Missy/The Master...

Yasmin "Yaz" Khan...

Captain Jack Harkness...

And Rogue.

That’s a lot.

I’m gonna ask you. If you’re an alien who has lived for over millennia, travels a lot, regenerates into different bodies that changes not just your appearances but your personality, what do you think will happen in regards to your boyfriend or girlfriend? Oh, uh, let me take a guess: they’ll die but you’ll live on! We’ve done this before you doughnuts! It doesn’t work! Jeez! You’d think after all that crap with Rose and Martha they’d have at least taken a lesson but nope! Goodness, Moffat had to keep it up with Amy, River and Clara bloody heck! The Classic Doctors, including McGann, went on with their lives without that much and with Charley the Eighth Doctor would make it clear he doesn’t love her like that! The Fourth Doctor had Leela and you only got to look at her and many men would be having dirty thoughts but he didn’t! But no, ever since 2005 it’s always been “Let’s ship this Doctor with him! Oh, let’s ship this Doctor with her!” Look at how it ends! They either die or move on, the Doctor regenerates!

But among the worst contenders has to be Amy, Yaz and Rogue. Amy basically forced herself on the Doctor and he kept trying to stop her. Yeah, Amy did get her head out of her arse but no apology. Yaz had lots going for her as a character but she was failed by lots of things then Chibnall thinks making her fall for the Doctor would make her better. It didn’t. It made Yaz a weaker character, threw her character as a copper aside for the sake of romance. Oh and the Doctor didn’t return the feelings, or at least was reluctant. Then Rogue, my goodness, the Doctor was a selfish horny jerk in that episode, he ditched Ruby to get some word out of Rogue but was more interested in flirting with him, leaving Ruby by herself with a killer in the mansion, or how he brought him in the TARDIS for some spicy stuff, then as Ruby is on the platform about to be killed or imprisoned in another dimension, the Doctor just smooches Rogue.

The Doctor worked better as a mentor or father figure, it’s why to this day Classic friendships like with Jo or Ace are still cherished and loved to this day with how Jo and Ace were like daughters to the Doctor. The Doctor was a guide to his friends, helping them understand, to be brave, to be strong and to be more thoughtful in life. I’d rather go back to that Doctor than all this.

My whole argument is this: stop giving the Doctor a love interest. It doesn’t work!

Then there’s.

Ciel Phantomhive

I used to ship him with Doll but then I remembered Doll was a criminal who, despite her moments of thought, helped the circus troupe abduct and lobotomise children for a dirty old t**t.

Ciel’s arranged marriage with his cousin Lizzie is in the toilet currently on the manga, but even then I wouldn’t ship him with her for obvious reasons, but even if they weren’t family I still wouldn’t ship him with her or Sieglende, for Ciel sees little reason for romance thanks to his contract with Sebastian. He will be killed by him once they find those who killed his mum and dad. If Ciel ever showed any desire to let go of that and focus on his life and that includes romance, Sebastian would kill him. That and everything that had been done to Ciel while he was snatched up has left him as a cynical character who isn’t exactly the most healthy minded person and with him being far more interested in finding his family’s killer and serving Queen Victoria, I don’t think romance is there for Ciel.

Those are the main lot who I don’t ship. There are many more who I’ll just list for you.

Anybody in a soap opera, because we all know that unless you’re a baby or an animal, you’re just a piece of crap who makes it hard to care for anybody in your soap opera.

I don’t ship Eggman with anybody because it’s Eggman, he’s an evil git who doesn’t understand love.

I don’t ship Jack Sparrow because in my opinion he’s a free spirit who’s only true love is the sea. Trying it with Elizabeth or Angelica is enough to tell you it doesn’t work.

I don’t ship Stolas or Blitzo together given the pair of them are far too toxic to even be together.

I don’t ship Damian Wayne unless he grows a few brain cells in being respectful, but even if I did I wouldn’t ship him with Raven, he’s far too toxic for her.

Freddy: Man, that was quite a list. Can’t blame you on soaps.

Teddy: Yeah, soap operas are a bunch of idiots who fall for the easiest trick and you wonder how they win awards.

Freddy: Ugh, yeah, bloody waste.

Teddy: Well still, that’s out of the way, you gonna write a few Christmas cards?

Oh yes I will! Thank you everybody who read this. Do you have characters you don’t ship? Tell me below!

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